solstice.

dont stop believing.

2012-02-01T19:11:00.006+07:00

Nothing is such a coincidence in life. At least that is what I believe in my entire life. Everything is made on a purpose, so does human. Far away before we were born, there was a fine agreement between us and the God of what is our mission on earth, and that is what exactly we have to do; find the mission back. As Coelho mentioned it as personal legend. Right here, I am fetched up all standing in front of a big gate, try to figure out my own mission on earth. I wish I could go back in time where I can ask my heart repeatedly what am I gonna do. But nothing is coincidence in life. I have been going several things in this past few years. I met some people who teach me about life and all its up and down. I realize that eventually, life is about experiencing all the senses. One thing is done, and another quest is awaiting to accomplish. The quest is not seem far away, we are all on our way. I said to myself all over again, just please, do not ever stop believing.

As what it is said in The Alchemist by paulo coelho, "there was a language in the world that everyone understood. it was the language of enthusiasm of things accomplished with love and purpose, and as part of a search for something believed and desired"

we have passed it.

2012-01-15T21:07:00.004+07:00

Congratulations,

1. Arum Widyarini, S.Sos

2. Anya Paramitha Mayaputri, S.Sos

3. Siti Juliantari Rachman, S.Sos

4. Atika Rachmawidyadini, S.Sos

5. Rizcky Rezza Bramansyah, S.Sos

6. Roberto K. Saragih, S.Sos

7. Innani Silhouttatia, S.Sos

8. Annisa Jihan Andari, S.Sos

9. Steviana, S.Sos

10. Arif Fuad Nur Ihsan, S.Sos

11. Dessy Rismawanharsih, S.Sos

12. Apsari Tathyapradipta, S.Sos

while our blood still young. So young it runs.

Wont stop till its over. Wont stop to surrender - Anya Meyer, 2011.

sad.

2012-01-12T23:28:00.003+07:00

oh Fuck. I am so tired of myself.

this is just too much. I dont know what I should do when I feel like everybody hates me. I am a mess, a totally one. But isnt it what people do in their entire life ? mess everything up?. I dont care. I am always be the underdog. Please, feel free to judge me as if it can make you happy.

bravo, its a nice try tho.

waiting 10th of January

2012-01-07T13:16:00.004+07:00

here I come again. I dont really know what I should write on this blank page. Everything is such a mess. My heart is a mess. It beats so fast and pushes out the lungs. Two more days to go to my final judgement day. On that day, I will be defending for what I have been working on this far. These past few months I was really getting into it, my life was in it. But here I tell you the weirdest thing I found, if it is only a little piece of my future, why it should take a big part of my life? and I definitely consider it as a sacrifice. Nothing is free for lunch, as they say.

So here I come again. As the clock is ticking, I am crawling up to the edge of my future. And I believe, Tuesday the 10th wont go anywhere.

70% Thinking, 30% Typing

2011-12-04T12:29:00.003+07:00

I would often said enough to myself. doing this part of whole my thesis project is quite overwhelming to me. people may say do it, don't just think about it, do it. well, people may say anything but in facts, you cant just type it without thinking about it and that's the hardest part. I would like to say to myself over and over again, don't just give up. you're too far to stop, you're too much to close your laptop screen and choose to lay down on that tempting bed. I never sleep, I never really sleep. I'm tired but I know this is not the end.

you still got a very long journey to go, a very long journey to go. Godspeed.

a beautiful words.

2011-12-01T21:22:00.002+07:00

For I am the first and the last

I am the venerated and the despised

I am the prostitute and the saint

I am the wife and the virgin

I am the mother and the daughter

I am the arms of my mother

I am barren and my children are many

I am the married woman and the spinster

I am the woman who gives birth and she

Who never procreated

I am the consolation for the pain of birth

I am the wife and the husband

And it was my man who created me

I am the mother of my father

I am the sister of my husband

And he is my rejected son

Always respect me

For I am the shameful and the magnificent one

Hymn to Isis, 3rd or 4th century AD,

Discovered in Nag Hammadi

morning thoughts

2011-11-16T09:18:00.003+07:00

I remembered when I was going abroad, I saw a board in a subway station and it clearly said, "it doesn't matter how slow you walk at least you don't stop". yes, I completely understand now why I shouldn't stop how slow I walk. If I can not make myself running, I will always keep myself walking.

quick post

2011-11-10T16:07:00.001+07:00

"and yes, I will keep on running anyway"

MAN JADDA WA JADDA

arts&crafts

2011-11-05T12:13:00.004+07:00

this is the loveliest thing I found when I had a trip to Pangandaran, and I stopped by at Rajapolah, Tasikmalaya. we were entering this craft-shop to satisfying my mom's passion on arts and crafts. when I was looking around, I found this hanging-home and a smiling-toy but too bad I didn't buy any of them.

27 minutes shower

2011-11-05T03:36:00.002+07:00

[from : Pete ]

definitely true. I spend almost 15 minutes everyday in the bathroom just to think about the life I live. And for the rest is time starts to rush me. It's always rushing.

currently listening

2011-10-28T08:14:00.002+07:00

"never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you.

don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said sometimes it lasts in love sometimes it hurts instead"

2011-10-27T23:01:00.007+07:00

I'm interested in this quiz I found from chocappucino ,

it's worth a try because It's unbelievably true to me. happy trying !

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve

[the link]

intimate relation

2011-10-11T19:42:00.003+07:00

mungkin saya pernah salah mengambil langkah dalam hidup untuk mempercayai seseorang. padahal orang itu bukan Tuhan. dia tidak punya apa-apa dan tidak bisa menjanjikan apa-apa. lagaknya saja yang sudah seperti orang besar, bisa menaklukan dunia dengan kepala kecilnya. saya yang lugu dan polos ini terenyuh dan mulai percaya. mungkin pada saat itu Tuhan marah pada saya, bahwa kadang saya lupa padanya. Tuhan menampar saya dan seolah berkata , "tidakkah kau percaya akan kuasa Ku?". saya pun kemudian menangis, besujud dan bertekuk lutut memohon ampun. saya menjalin hubungan yang sangat intim dengan Tuhan. semua tahu saya tersenyum dan tertawa, seolah merasa bahagia. tapi hanya Ia yang tahu bahwa kadang, di sela dinginnya malam saya meringkuk dan meminta kehangatan. Tuhan, kenapa hati saya dingin? . entahlah, Ia belum menjawab sampai sekarang. hanya hubungan ini yang saya miliki, hubungan yang tidak nyata namun lebih menjanjikan. karena saya tahu, suatu hari saya akan kembali lagi pada-Nya, entah kapan. saya tidak berkata apa-apa, tidak melakukan apa-apa. namun dengan getir saya selalu berdoa, semoga sakit saya dapat dibalas oleh semesta.

mungkin saya pernah merasa salah mengambil langkah dalam hidup. tapi saya tidak menyesal karena saya tahu selalu ada hal manis yang didapat di dalamnya. saya hanya menjalankan rencana Tuhan, saya tidak kemana-mana dan tidak mengambil keputusan apa-apa. sekali lagi, saya sungguh percaya pada-Nya.

it is called ontang anting.

2011-09-18T22:41:00.002+07:00

"Life is obviously about experiencing the sense. the sense of up and down and turning around. just like the swing in the playground"

flooded meadow

2011-09-17T00:54:00.000+07:00

Water Level 9,40m ... from Alex.Be. on Vimeo.

Senja

2011-09-09T22:25:00.003+07:00

dan inilah, saya lagi. duduk menikmati senja di kampus tercinta. Orang-orang masih berlalu lalang, dan saya asik mengamati dari sebuah pojokan.

cahaya lampu nan remang, kalau saja kau bisa memberikan setitik pencerahan.

ada apa di depan sana? saya pun masih takut untuk bertanya, bahkan untuk meminta.

maka saya berhasil menunduk dan mengheningkan cipta.

senja... seperti inikah cara kau mendekapku?

dengan dingin aku menyapamu, terkadang sinis menatapmu. aku enggan untuk dimadu.

tidak bisakah kau saja yang aku miliki di dunia ini? tolong jangan pergi.

senja menjauh, melangkah, kemudian menghilang dibalik awan.

tidak ada yang benar-benar dapat kumiliki. seperti senja, semua pasti akan pergi lagi.

senja... tau kah kau kemana gulir cerita?

Depok, September 2011

family stays forever

2011-09-09T08:59:00.002+07:00

today's thought

2011-08-04T10:34:00.003+07:00

happiness could be found in a simplest way around - annisajihan

go straight or turning back ?

2011-06-09T01:51:00.002+07:00

(picture taken by me - 2011)

"Dalam suasana gamang, cemas, dan murung itu, yang datang dari masa lampau seakan-akan hadir kembali, mengingatkan apa yang dulu pernah tak terjangkau" - 28 April, Goenawan Mohamad

Dude

2011-05-18T22:09:00.005+07:00

I won't chase you,Dude. I guess I won't go that far.

It's you who come and mess everything up. yea, I understand.

We are completely a stranger. walk by then go by.

"Tuhan, bukankah pernah saya bilang di suatu malam. Perasaan ini jangan dulu kau uji ?"

diantara bukit

2011-05-15T21:46:00.004+07:00

bukit-bukit menjulang tinggi sejauh mata memandang. sinar hangat terpancar, semu dan malu-malu, sementara dingin meresap dibalik kulit. hening adalah satu-satunya hal yang tidak akan mengkhianatimu. dia tak pernah mempertanyakan bagaimana kabarmu, tak pernah mempertanyakan bagaimana perasaanmu, dan tidak pernah sibuk menyuruhmu untuk terus melaju. dia memberikan selimut hangat kepadamu saat malam menjelang, saat dingin tidak lagi meresap di balik kulit namun mulai menjejali relung hati. dia memberikan ruang untuk gelisah, atau sekedar untuk merasakan resah. mungkin begini rasanya, meninggalkan dunia dan pergi menyambut mentari atau sekedar mengucap selamat tinggal padanya saat mulai terbenam. hanya bukit yang menjulang tinggi sejauh mata memandang. ingin aku berlari keatas sana, dan mengadu lirih pada semesta : rasa yang mendesak hati ini, apakah namanya?

- Ciangkrek, April 2011.

closed.

2011-05-12T23:41:00.000+07:00

dan ini adalah sebuah cerita tentang sebuah taman bermain yang ditemukan dibalik hutan, disinggahi dengan rasa penasaran kemudian didiami dengan setitik harapan.

tidak ada yang abadi di dunia, yang abadi tidak serta merta selalu indah dan apa yang terdefinisikan tidak selalu menjanjikan. saya ingat bagaimana kita mencoba membuka gerbang taman bermain yang bahkan tidak pernah kita tahu isinya, mengukuhkan hati dan memantapkan langkah hanya untuk bisa saling percaya. "ini adalah lahan bermain kita", kamu bilang. aku menangguk pasti dan menggenggam tanganmu. mimpi kita cuma satu, bukan? mimpi menantang dunia. ah, besar sekali angan-angan itu. volume otakku yang kecil ini tidak mampu menahan hasrat sebesar itu. baiklah, kita pikul bersama. kemudian kita asik bermain kembali, memprotes realita dan mengagungkan mimpi, mengagumi liarnya alam, dan membenamkan diri dalam berbagai perdebatan. lalu pada suatu malam kau tinggalkan aku tanpa kata. apa kita ini sesungguhnya? tampaknya kita bukan teman, juga bukan pecinta. namun aku mengerti, ketika waktu bergerak maka hidup pasti berubah. dan semua cerita itu tersimpan tak rapih dalam berbagai coretan. seandainya sanggup, ingin sekali aku buka dan kubaca. kuingatkan dirimu pada apa yang pernah kau kata. segitu hinakah diriku? kadang aku tidak habis pikir kapan sakit ini akan berakhir.

Oh Gusti, kutanyakan kembali pada Engkau, segitu hinanya kah diriku? bukankah kau tidak ciptakan manusia tanpa dosa selain Rasulmu? tidak pantaskah diriku untuk merasa sedikit berharga? Ya Gusti Allah, dengarkah Kau? dengarkah Kau akan tangisanku yang bulirnya jatuh membasahi tangan yang tengah menengadah? aku bersujud, Gusti. tolong, jangan lagi-lagi lukai hati.

sujud dan doa yang terpanjat adalah penyelamat. waktu membuat aku berpikir dan mempercayai bahwa kita manusia bebas. tak perlu merasa takut untuk menyakiti. tak perlu merasa tertahan dalam stigma dan konstruksi. mengapa terlalu sibuk pedulikan sekitar hingga lupa pedulikan diri? kita ini manusia bebas. pergi jauh melangkah mengikuti petunjuk arah, tersengal-sengal menapaki lereng terjal, atau terombang-ambing ditengah luasnya laut lepas. maka oh, wahai pengelana, pergilah. tinggalkanlah. ingatlah bahwa kita pernah duduk dan minum teh bersama, terpana menatap ribuan bintang dan mengamati setiap rasi. mempelajari alam semesta yang tak akan ada habisnya.

taman bermain itu kini kosong tak berpenghuni. semua sudah berkemas dan terbang bebas. banyak hal menarik yang belum sempat dijumpai, terdahului oleh kekuatan besar yang mampu memporakporandakan hingga hancur berantakan. tahukah kekuatan apa sebesar itu? Kahlil Gibran dalam Sayap Sayap Patah mengatakan; cinta mampu memporakporandakan pertamanan.

quotation of the day

2011-05-12T13:17:00.000+07:00

"Why did they make birds so delicate and fine as those sea swallows when the ocean can be so cruel? She is kind and very beautiful. But she can be so cruel and it comes so suddenly and such birds that fly, dipping and hunting, with their small sad voices are made too delicately for the sea" - Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and The Sea

secret corner

2011-05-05T22:45:00.002+07:00

disinilah semua rasa kemudian berdatangan. rasa sedih, marah, kecewa, gembira, berdebar, bosan, lelah, dan semua rasa apapun yang pernah mampir dalam hidup. Terima kasih pojokan rahasia, kau selalu menjadi teman yang setia sekalipun kita tidak pernah mengucap sebuah ikrar. ngomong-ngomong, kau tidak memerlukan sebuah cincin pernikahan bukan?

carve the smile

2011-05-02T21:12:00.003+07:00

"If we can not make each other happy, just don't make each other hurt. not intentionally" - my mom.

the question is the answer itself

2011-04-25T16:23:00.001+07:00

kadang saya tak lelah berpikir untuk mempertanyakan hidup. hidup ini buat apa? hidup ini mau kemana? kenapa kita harus hidup? dan sungguh, tidak satupun jawaban saya temukan. dan mungkin itulah jawabannya. the question is the answer itself. saya belajar banyak dari pertanyaan hidup. bahwa tidak semua jawaban bisa kita dapatkan, sama halnya dengan keinginan yang seringkali selalu mengendap bersama mimpi di alam bawah sadar sana. apa yang kita inginkan belum tentu kita dapatkan, bukankah begitu kebanyakan orang bilang? mungkin ada benarnya kita tidak perlu mencari apapun dalam hidup, karena toh semua jalan yang kita ambil sudah ditentukan sejak sebelum kita lahir, bukan? sedikit beraroma skeptis tapi begitulah, kadang kepala ingin bertindak suka-suka. saya sendiri, sibuk kesana kemari berjungkil balik mencari keseimbangan. apapun itu bentuknya. karena keseimbangan adalah the highest level of achievement. jika neraka diciptakan untuk menyeimbangi surga, maka semua kebaikan akan diimbangi oleh keburukan, dan vice versa.

terima kasih, kepada siapapun yang telah berbaik hati mengajarkan kepada saya bahwa kadang kita tidak perlu mencari apapun dalam hidup. kadang kita perlu membuat benteng pertahanan dan bertahan. kadang kita perlu mempersiapkan senjata untuk melakukan penyerangan. kadang kita perlu merasa jatuh dan kalah setelah pernah merasakan kemenangan. karena mungkin hidup cuma sekedar permainan. terima kasih , untuk apapun dan bagaimanapun caranya. kini saya banyak belajar.

one spoon is enough

2011-04-25T15:59:00.003+07:00

what are you asking for more if one spoon already made you feel enough ? - me

Tuhan, jangan biarkan saya menjadi perengek yang meminta makanan lebih padahal perut saya sudah merasa kenyang. jadikan saya orang yang tidak luput mengucap syukur bahkan saat saya sedang tersungkur.

"regret nothing in this life, thankful for everything"- me.

postsecret

2011-04-24T22:16:00.004+07:00

once i walked in the corridor of my campus, there was a box that filled with papers midway. and i picked up a piece of it and it said :

"God won't take me this far if He only wants to leave me"- D'Bijis

parachuting

2011-04-23T07:21:00.008+07:00

orang orang pergi berlalu lalang. tapi apa yang dapat menetap ? tidakkah satu pijakan kaki ditanah hanya akan jadi sebuah memori lalu kemudian hilang juga bersama angin dan hujan ? orang orang berlari kesana kemari. tidakkah lelah ? dan mereka berkata, "tidakkah kamu lelah duduk diam dan melihat orang-orang? jadilah pemain dan terus bermain" . hidup ini memang seperti lingkaran. kadang saya bersusah payah berlari lurus dan menjaga kesimbangan agar tidak jatuh. namun toh semua yang diatas pasti akan terpelanting kebawah, mengikuti roda.

jatuh cinta memang tak selalu menyenangkan. siapa bilang hypophamine atau apapun itu hormon yang keluar saat orang jatuh cinta selalu membuat orang merasa senang ? saya berada di titik sebaliknya. kalau jatuh cinta memang sebuah pilihan, saya memilih untuk tidak jatuh cinta. mungkin perasaan jatuh cinta sama halnya seperti bermain terjun payung. ketika terjun, perasaanmu melonjak berdebar tidak karuan dan kemudian kau harus melayang diudara bersama parasut yang mengembang, terombang ambing dalam dinamika hubungan. rasanya saya tidak akan mencoba terjun payung. saya takut terlambat menarik parasut, lalu saya jatuh ketanah dan kemudian hancur berserakan.

image via : here

somehow music makes your day.

2011-04-11T18:16:00.006+07:00

I, I will remember you

Not the way you left but how you lived

And what you knew

I want to see the stars twinkle

Like they were your eyes

I’ll find my way

Cause you showed me how

Katie Herzig, wish you well.

quotation of the day

2011-04-11T17:53:00.002+07:00

Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is an act of will--namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. - M. Scott Peck

via : random quote of the day

quotation of the day

2011-04-11T00:04:00.006+07:00

i found this interesting quotes while reading Humanism by Tony Davies

" as the archaeology of thought easily shows, man is an invention of recent date. And one perhaps nearing its end" - Foucault

rain (?)

2011-04-04T09:02:00.002+07:00

Dear Lord, please show me everything I need about forgiveness and surrender- Elizabeth Gilbert

Hujan. Saya tahu hari ini akan turun hujan sekalipun saya bukan seorang dukun. Saya tahu hari ini akan nada hujan. secara rasional, cuaca yang akan terjadi hari ini saya lihat pada wheather forecast yang saya baca tadi pagi. Secara irrasional, cuaca hari ini mengikuti maunya saya saja. begitulah, saya ingin hari ini turun hujan. hujan selalu mengingatkan saya pada Tuhan, pada kerinduan ingin pulang. Saya ingin hujan, saya ingin kembali memainkan peran . saya ingin kembali menata hidup dan hati yang tertutup.

Halaman ini saya tutup, biarlah apa yang berkecamuk di kepala menetap di kepala.

never

2011-03-31T18:13:00.006+07:00

i never be part of your song, never be part of your dream

i should realize there wasn't any door opened, yet any playground was found.

i was just passing in your head while you down.

so. thanks anyway for breaking the glass.

ending up my journey, here.

2011-03-30T19:31:00.005+07:00

image via : here

don't you think life is so colorful here ?

you can only find it in Reykjavik, Iceland.

life is warmly touching down my feeling.

2011-03-29T08:46:00.009+07:00

image via : horatziu

life is so crazy. something can happen accidentally and no one could ever notice before. at first i was so upset with this whole change but then i realized, God really has a great sense of humor. and i am ironically laughing at the jokes now. people walk by, and time goes by. nothing is guaranteed. no one can give you a conviction. so, let me just make it clear. a lovely friend of mine named A.R said to me " do not ever put someone into your dream" , people may change but that shouldn't impact anything to your life. oh, Holy God. She was so right. i have my hoppipolla. hoppipolla is my dream, and i have built the dream far away before i met you. you may come into my life, left any footprints and you may walk away but one thing you can not do is making any distraction. not without my permission. i don´t have a hard shell for my shelter and protection, i dont have any but i have my hoppipolla and that is my best healer.

somehow, i´m gonna understand that life is such a joyful playground. you can play around and felt. you may wet in the rain and get sicked. but don´t you know that you got the happiness along ? i am a taurus and enjoying simple pleasure in this life. like, waking up in the morning in a heavy head and having a cup of tea on my desk. oh life, you really know how to touch down my feeling. #standing ovation

2011-02-26T08:37:00.000+07:00

katanya mati di tangan Tuhan.

sekarang kau menyadari, bukan? kalau hidupmu berhenti, itu namanya kau mati.

.

2011-02-24T22:49:00.005+07:00

i feel like being a zombie who is much alive.

image via: complejo

dear God,

2011-02-21T05:40:00.002+07:00

in these cold days and frozen heart, what i only do is down on knees,

and pray to the Oneness , my God.

God, i can accept if everybody is getting tired with me because of this stubborn head,

but please don't get tired of me. as i only have You in my life. and nothing else. please dont get tired of my pray, my words, my breath and my life.

Dave Eggers

2011-02-15T17:36:00.002+07:00

"And we will be ready, at the end of every day will be ready, will not say no to anything, will try to stay awake while everyone is sleeping, will not sleep, will make the shoes with the elves, will breathe deeply all the time, breathe in all the air full of glass and nails and blood, will breathe it and drink it, so rich, so when it comes we will not be angry, will be content, tired enough to go, gratefully, will shake hands with everyone, bye, bye, and then pack a bag, some snacks, and go to the volcano." -Dave Eggers [A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius]

pursuit the happiness

2011-02-15T17:09:00.007+07:00

image via : ///Y'GO///

Tuhan, hingga detik ini saya masih setia. Kepercayaan saya begitu besar hingga kadang saya lupa, lupa bahwa segala kebahagiaan toh datangnya dari diri-Mu. saya bersusah payah mengejar kebahagiaan, tapi saya tidak ingat bahwa kebahagiaan itu adalah milik-Mu. saya terus mencari seolah kebahagiaan itu tidak ada yang punya. Lalu saya mulai putus asa. Mungkin diri-Mu marah padaku yang pelupa ini. yang selebor dan ceroboh. Tuhan….

Pagi ini. saya merasa saya harus tidur, dan tak terbangun.

- andari, 18 Juni 2010

childhood memories

2011-02-09T21:17:00.003+07:00

i miss my childhood time, but i never want it back.
because being grown up is simply amazing since you could find out another taste of life. you'll get surprising occurences everyday in your life. and i am being thankful for that.
but right now, i miss my childhood time. though, as far i can remember, i dont have any good memories between me, my father and my mother. once i remembered that i have ever seen a flying U.F.O in my kitchen when i just woke up from my nap. that was ironically awesome. i miss my childhood time. and now i realize that i already had another life and it goes on, nothing left for my yearning time except this scanty photographs :)

i have a secret :
i've ever been in the middle of broken family because of a failed marriage. do you have any idea how scary marriage is for me? thank God, i'm an optimistic and have a bold heart to always believe , "men are never be the same", i have chosen my destiny far away before i opened my eyes in the very first time.

a dog's story

2011-01-17T21:55:00.003+07:00

seringkali saya mendapatkan ketakutan yang sama ketika menghadapi makhluk hewani, emosi yang meletup di dada yang membuat saya ingin melompat ke udara. tapi dia tetap hewan, saya tahu sedikit emosi yang saya keluarkan bisa membuatnya menyerang saya dengan insting-insting yang ia punya. maka saya mencoba bersikap tenang dan menarik nafas dalam-dalam. dan, disetiap hembusan nafas yang keluar, saya berkomunikasi dengan hati, "saya hanya ingin berteman". si hewan pun tersenyum kembali.

post by

2011-01-14T11:39:00.003+07:00

hi people i just stopped by to tell you that this blog is under construction. i am thinking about changing my blog's name but i am still looking for the appropriate one (: and i do apologize for any inconvenience because of the alteration of this blog's layout&name. do you miss starryvanne lately? well, she just changes into the most stable form (: have a nice day !

- annisa jihan

a very looong time ago.

2011-01-14T10:43:00.004+07:00

Kita sering lupa bahwa cinta adalah saling mndengarkan. Sebab mendengarkan adalah saling membuka diri, dan saya tahu sekarang kamu tidak membuka diri sepenuhnya. Kamu memilih menyimpan masalah ini sendiri tanpa melibatkan saya, masihkah saya dibutuhkan? - Him

masihkah saya dibutuhkan?

2011-01-10T11:39:00.004+07:00

is this the karma that turns?

i had lived my life for 11 years as a single child, and i was too egoistic even to myself

and now, i should spend my life upon others' needs or others' aims,

until i can't even think of my own needs and my own aims.

where was i, before?

fear

2011-01-10T11:28:00.000+07:00

In the very first time for me being broken hearted, I should know that I have to make a very big decision in my life. Never love somebody fully with your heart. You never know what will happen and No one can guarantee your life either. And time goes by, when finally I found someone who had a big dream in his head, and a bucket of hopes in his hand, I felt in love again. Firstly I thought this is just another taste of life, so I said to him that I would only give him half of my glass. We were all afraid. Afraid of anything uncertain. But then time keeps moving and I know, someone changed and life changes. “ I am not afraid of anything in this life, and I am not looking for anything”. You have reached your spiritual level and I am still here, in a cavity of fear. Fear of uncertainty. so one big question came into my head. What makes you still standing here besides me. And I got no answer, or I got the “no reason” answer precisely. I have learned a few things in life, but once I learned about love, I learned about “ no reason “ things in life. And another question tickled my thought. Is that love of what you mean?. Everybody kept silent so I almost can hear my heartbeat. No one knows, no one can guarantee your life. I took a very deep breath and I realized, he still sat beside me, so what was I actually afraid of ?

and when I sleep, I feel the peace. And I should know, I still have God besides me though everyone leaves me. Dude, if only you could help me to overcome this emotion. Emotion of love. My tear drops, and I pray “ God, don’t hurt me anymore”

acceptance

2010-12-30T21:22:00.002+07:00

and now i am writing again. like usual, when all the things dont fit in proper, i am pausing my life awhile and letting my fingers dancing on the keyboard as they want. let me choose one topic for tonight's contemplation : acceptance. ( i am kinda hesitate to write it in english since i can't make any good words in english rather than writing it in indonesian, anyway i will try )

how if you see something runs not in line with your expectation? naturally, human will be complaining about it. the complain can come out in any forms. it can be sadness, anger, or anything else. but another question, is how you deal with that situation? when i see something bad or when i don't like to be in that uncomfortable situation, and i can not make any alteration, i will probably stand still and not doing anything. i just lay down and see the whole things over my head like gazing the stars in the sky. i am not going to make any decision. but then i realize, time keep moving and i can't stop my life like this. so, i am fighting with my heart. and that's the key. it is harder to fight with yourself rather than fighting with others. as many people say ; forgiving others is much more easier than forgiving yourself. so, the bargaining happens between my head and my heart. and yes, this ego is defeated. i am increasing my heart-acceptance level. though i havent see the benefit for me, yet. sometimes you need to do something you don't like, you don't want to, or you don't need to. why? because perhaps God wants to show you that you might be worth for others. and another thing i learned, this far : don't make yourself as the only consideration of what you gonna do. you have others around :)

and one more, i like Einsteins's quote : life is like riding a bicycle, if you want to keep it balance, you should keep moving.
and i think, it doesnt matter where you get the direction, at least you don't stop. you need some changes and that is life.

setan kau, setan !

2010-12-27T12:16:00.003+07:00

"Whatever you believe with feeling becomes your reality." - Brian Tracy

beberapa pengalaman aneh saya alami belakangan hari ini. katakanlah, ini halusinasi. orang-orang menjadi semakin ramai lalu lalang kesana kemari. berisik, penuh sesak, bikin nafas menjadi tersengal-sengal. dan yang menyebalkan, saya ketakutan. saya yang selalu mematikan lampu ketika ingin tidur, harus menyalakannya hingga pagi hari. saya yang selalu menggunakan pendingin ruangan harus saya matikan karena saya selalu menggigil di malam hari. dan saya harus selalu memakai selimut dan mengamankan tempat tidur saya dengan seluruh bantal yang ada. i am feeling insecure, indeed. saya harus menyalakan lagu sebelum tidur, padahal saya adalah orang yang butuh kesenyapan apabila ingin tidur. ini aneh. ritme aktifitas saya menjadi sedikit berebeda beberapa hari ini. saya melihat orang berdiri diam di pojok jalanan, dan melihat orang berlalu lalang. katakanlah, ini halusinasi. kapan saya harus berhenti ? apakah saya butuh kacamata baru, atau saya butuh mata yang baru ? sekali lagi, katakanlah ini halusinasi. maka dengan kesal saya mengumpat dalam hati : setan kau, setan !

december's favorite

2010-12-11T09:40:00.003+07:00

1. this beautiful video

2. a birthday girl in this lovely december

and probably i will be updating more and more words or images along this december.
xoxo

.

2010-12-06T15:34:00.002+07:00

sad, sad. go away. don't ever come back
i have no space for you
sad, sad. let's fly away. let me run in the highway.

down

2010-12-02T01:57:00.003+07:00

are you looking at me , dude? what? what is the thing are you looking at?

yes yes, i am down. drowning and suffocating.

what are you looking at? are you just standing there and being the audience as if you are watching me playing a drama? oh dude, life is a drama. and i have to get through this scene and play my role while you can laugh at my butt. i need some medicines, or some ice creams. i don't know which one could make me feel better. no no, that is not right. i only need hugs. and i need to cry. and........

i need a shoulder to rely.

#sayingdirty #ilostmymind #damn

hey, it's me

2010-11-27T11:22:00.003+07:00

here, i see myself laying down on my bed in a dark room. starring at the ceiling without knowing what is exactly i am thinking about. i've done this and that but i still can't figure out anything else. i am stuck, and somehow all the things suddenly stop. i need some refreshment, like go out of the town by myself and meet some strangers, making new friends or whatever. okay im done with this post, see you soon !

seventeen, my little sister :)

2010-11-27T10:15:00.005+07:00

hello everyone, happy weekend!
say it, what i have to write on my blog in this lovely day? oatmeal in the morning, twitter and facebook, haha. i am a freako of the social networks. maybe i have to change that habit, surely :) and the good news is, my lovely little sister is turning her age to seventeen!

happy birthday, sandra !
now, you're seventeen. do you know? seventeen! do you hear me? oh, seventeen !
may God bless all your wishes, darling :)

free (wo)man

2010-11-21T17:44:00.003+07:00

i'm free.
free to go wherever i want
yet, i am free to choose to stay and keep loving you.

quotation of the day

2010-11-10T09:49:00.002+07:00

saya tidak ingin tahu kapan kita memulai,
dan saya pun tidak ingin tahu kapan kita akan berakhir.
anyway, i love you annisa ku — Y.A

memorable-4

2010-11-05T01:55:00.003+07:00

hey dipta, do you remember this? the mosquitoes!
aaaa, hopefully we can reach the lake, and it should be well-planned next time, for sure
;)

memorable-3

2010-11-05T01:50:00.001+07:00

this one is my favorite. i love streets no matter why.

memorable-2

2010-11-05T01:45:00.003+07:00

attending somewhat literature discussion, in salihara.

memorable -1

2010-11-05T01:38:00.004+07:00

hey fellas , i miss you and all the time we had as bad i miss this photo. thanks to anya meyer for giving me this photo, since she's not using facebook any longer, and i miss all those photographs. anyways, what will keep stay when everything has gone? it's photograph, so don't forget to always bring your camera on :)

watching the theater in Taman Ismail Marzuki

commitment (?)

2010-11-05T00:37:00.004+07:00

yesterday was raining so hard when me and my friends start the journey to collect some data about the street children. and i kept praying in my heart that rain could be stopped soon. but seems like God didn't allow me to go, so the rain was getting harder and harder. and i got all wet .and i cried. yes, i was crying in the rain. because i knew i had to reach someone there who had been waiting for me for too long. but i was late, i missed one hour, and he left me.

then i went home in regret. i was too tired and all i wanted to do is call you, hope we could talk and i could get some explanations. but again, it's like God didn't allow me so. i never felt that regret before, but yesterday i was mad, and i didn't even being thankful to God like i always do every night. i felt so hopeless and alone. i only have myself to rely on. (sigh). someone told me to take my breath, but i feel hurts and it happens for the same matter. it's commitment.

dear Y, where are you when i need you ?

c'est la vie

2010-11-04T21:27:00.004+07:00

c'est la vie. this is life. what? life. no, you don't know about life. you are just 19 years old girl and see little things happened around you, but you shouldn't be that dare to conclude anything about life. no, you don't know it yet. you don't know anything, you just know a little thing. am i complaining too much about life? yes, perhaps. maybe you demand many things in this life, and you start complaining about it when you finally see that your expectation couldn't reach any reality in this life. that is so sad, but again, this is life. c'est la vie. whom you complain to?

i prefer give a feedback to God. somehow when i couldn't find any answer, i just sit in the corner in my room and talk to my self. i know God is inside my heart, and whenever i need Him, i only need to knock the door and say " Hello God, are u there? can we talk?" , and i am sure He always answers "i always be here" . then i start talking and sometimes i can't stop it though. mostly i start the conversation randomly, like asking how is God today, and what He do, but i know He must be busy so i understand that He can't always answer my question and only listening to me instead. or, maybe He let me to decide it by my own.

c'est la vie. this is life. what? life. no, you don't know anything about life. you just know a particular things happened and that's it. you keep learning as you grow older, and keep yourself questioning though. why .

quotation of the day

2010-11-03T08:05:00.000+07:00

hello, morning

2010-10-31T05:02:00.003+07:00

hi morning. how are you? it's been along time i haven't seen you. i miss sunshine as bad as i hate rain in this season. i need fresh air as bad as i'm sick of air pollution. dear sun, i always wake up late and see you high over my head, and you're not friendly as you are. do you know? i haven't slept all night long, i didn't know what made my eyes wide open. there are so many things in my head. no, it's not about love what i am talking about. it's about life. the life i chose. and i know, i shouldn't complaining too much about it. i have to make a kick. one more thing i am thinking about life : life is a game, you take it then play it till it's done. or never get into it at all.

oh cool, i hear many birds tweeting !

the first day of my life

2010-10-29T10:53:00.000+07:00

broken hearted

2010-10-27T12:55:00.003+07:00

i've ever been broken hearted so has everyone. what makes your heart broken then? is it love? can be anything, right. well sometimes you might think that the hardest time of your life is when you got your heart broken, and perhaps you might think that you just couldn't get through it. but, if i may share something to you dear, while you have passed all the hurting time, for some reasons you may be missing it again. i tell you i like this lyrics from rihanna feat eminem 's song , "just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that's allright because i like the way it hurts"

and that's it. when you got that heart broken, the things you can do is just enjoy it. enjoy that trembling hearts, and those shedding tears. at first, i always like to say that i don't believe in time. i don't believe that time can handle the situation, but well i have to take my words back. everything now is just about time. and it has been proved. click clock click clock, is the time waiting for you, or are you waiting for the time ? no. time is clicking, you have to get into it. let's survive :)

hoppipolla

2010-10-27T09:41:00.000+07:00

44 years old.

2010-10-23T10:54:00.004+07:00

happy birthday my beloved mother.

thank you for teaching me how to use my heart as much as i use my brain.
and teaching me that when i get it right, i am not always be right, and show me the rightness is all about perspective and about eyes.
thank you for teaching me that there's nothing good in this life is ever been wasted, and show me that good deeds will deliver a good results. and also teaching me that whatever i am looking for in this life, the truly answer is sometimes is just inside my heart, and what i need to do is just open it up. and mom, once again.
thank you for always reminding me that we, as human , don't have any right to judge people even we might think that we know them better.

you are my savior, my hero, and my life.

heart

2010-10-19T18:52:00.003+07:00

at first, we were planning to do some papers.
but at last, we did these. we are such cam-whores :D

we haven't became friends yet.

2010-10-19T17:31:00.003+07:00

dear letter.

if there is further thing i would like to say to you, is i want to say sorry. i know that "sorry" is just so easy as "angry" . so, since you easily get angry with me, i want to say sorry, easily too. if there is something i can do to mend up everything, or at least makes everything back as in advance situation, i will do it. but the problem is, you never talk. and i will never know it by myself. so, dear oh-so-called mr.friend, one more thing i want to say to you. forgive me, like you always forgive yourself.
please...

i really don't know what is going on with me. what is going on with the mr-called-as-friend. i am trying to think over and use my logical expectation as i always do. but this tiny heart is trembling, somehow i need your respect, it's like i want to scream out and say " i am a human too and i have the feeling !" i'm being too emotional since i knew i couldn't fine any reason in your deeds. and the saddest thing is, i bet you can't figure it out by yourself either. but again, i do think that i have no right to judge people, even though i'm hurt. i don't want to judge you as i don't want to judge myself. so, this is it. i think i am still going to keep this dirty sin, as you keep that dirty box. a box of animosity. yeah, you still be the mr oh-so-called-as friend. oh God, forgive me. we haven't became friends yet though. forgive me, i am your stranger now probably.

where am i ?

2010-10-18T00:11:00.002+07:00

what do i need to ask that question, i knew it by myself, already. hope so.
well, life's hard. sometimes others say life's a bitch.
and me? oh, life is just too short. where are you ? where are you going?
no, it's not that you don't know. you just didn't know it yet.
dude, what you need is go out. catch the world. free yourself yet keep your heart under the bed.
go home, and sleep next to a person you really love. take a shower and have a good food. however, i believe a good food will deliver a good life. kiss your lover like you will die in the next second. hug him in heart, but never tight it up. whisper him in his ears.
and last , pray to God. give Him a message. let Him know that you still remember Him though you think that He sometimes give you nothing.
yes,
noone can give you a thing.
forgive yourself.

and now there's only one place in mind that i really want to go: quiet library.

ps: this inspiration comes from: eat, pray, love movie

dua.

2010-09-01T22:32:00.001+07:00

Seorang anak perempuan dengan kaus lusuh berkata kepada seorang lelaki tua berdasi. Tuan, jangan ajarkan saya tentang realita dan arti kesepian. Saya baru berumur delapan tahun namun sudah terbiasa mencari kebahagiaan dalam kesendirian, dan mengerti realita dari potret kehidupan. sekarang saya ingin belajar mengenai mimpi , tuan. Saya ingin membangun realita dari mimpi. Siapa tahu saya mati besok, namun setidaknya, malam ini saya masih bisa bermimpi untuk setahun lagi.

sudden thought

2010-08-30T23:36:00.003+07:00

we are all lived by dream
we are all survived by hope

- annisajihan

quick post

2010-08-17T15:55:00.000+07:00

selamat ulang tahun sayangku,
Yudha Andriyanto

oh, it's 23 ! 23 ! 23!
you are old already
:D

sadness

2010-08-09T01:46:00.004+07:00

tahukah anda? konsep menghilangkan kesedihan mungkin sama dengan konsep rehabilitasi pada para pecandu. jangan biarkan diri anda kosong, sebab sedih dapat datang tiap waktu. banyak cara yang orang lakukan ketika ia bersedih. biasanya berdiam diri, menulis, menangis, mendengarkan musik, jalan-jalan, belanja, atau berolahraga ! tinggal pilih saja mau suka yang mana. tapi, pada dasarnya menghilangkan kesedihan sama dengan melepaskan seekor lalat keudara . biarkan dia bebas, dan pergi kemanapun ia ingin pergi. jangan beri nasi kalau tidak mau ia datang lagi. nyalakan lilin,teman. lalat takut dengan api. jadi terangilah sekelilingmu dengan api agar ia tak muncul lagi.

saya pribadi, lebih memilih untuk berjalan kaki. berjalan kaki akan membuat nafas teratur. itulah yang menyebabkan kesedihan saya bergerak mundur . ditambah lagi, sepasang earphone dan musik yang baik dapat menjadi sahabat yang menarik. kemarin, dua hari setelah kesedihan melanda saya, saya diberikan waktu untuk berjalan kaki, dan lagi si sahabat baik itu saya ajak serta. saya tidak tahu berjalan kaki kemana, tapi pastinya arah jalan saya adalah jalan pulang. setidak nya ketika saya lelah saya sudah sampai bisa tiba di depan rumah. konsentrasi saya adalah di telinga. saya tidak tahu harus berkata apa tapi sungguh, ada perasaan yang mengejutkan buat saya. tiba tiba kesedihan itu lenyap. hati yang berat menjadi terbebat. dan saya bisa tersenyum dengan lebar saat itu juga. dan tahu ? rumah saya sudah di depan mata ! ahh, tidak ada perasaan yang lebih baik dari berbaring di kasur sendiri, dan minum teh di sore hari :)

2010-08-05T11:02:00.003+07:00

kalau memang sangat menyusahkan,

ada baiknya berdiam sejenak

dan memikirkan apa yang harus dilakukan kelak.

kawan, seprti yang pernah saya ucapkan,

hati-hati makan hati.

asiknya bercerita pendek

2010-08-03T19:53:00.004+07:00

seorang perempuan duduk di tepi sungai melihat jernihnya air sungai dan kemudian ia melepaskan semua baju, telanjang dan berenang. tampaknya dinginnya air tak membuatnya jera. sekalipun gigi sudah gemeletuk namun hati yang mengutuk tampaknya tidak gentar. dia memaki kawanan biri-biri yang mengikuti sejak pagi. mengikuti kemanapun ia pergi. saat ia melepaskan sepatu, biri-biri melepaskan sepatu. padahal biri-biri tidak memakai alas kaki. saat ia bersenandung, biri-biri ikut menyanyi. padahal mulut mereka pun terkunci.

perempuan itu kemudian beralih pindah duduk di tepi jalan dalam keadaan masih telanjang. apa yang dinanti ? sebuah truk besar yang akan datang dan mengangkutnya pergi. dalam keadaan telanjang. mungkin saja dia akan dijadikan perempuan jalanan, atau hidupnya akan berakhir terikat di ranjang.

perempuan yang malang itu sudah melepaskan baju sejak di sungai , dan melepaskan hati saat diikuti biri-biri. dan kini, dia sudah melepaskan raganya dari jiwanya. namun tahukah apa yang dilakukan oleh supir yang mengendarai truk besar itu ? dia memberikan si perempuan baju, dan memberitahu sekalipun dia gila, dia patut merasa malu.

kemudian si supir menurunkan perempuan di depan warung tempe mendoan.

annisa jihan
3 agustus 2010

adzan maghrib

2010-08-03T19:48:00.002+07:00

di suatu sore aku duduk, memangdang langit merah dan kemudian adzan berkumandang. lalu aku mengambil air dan membasuh wajah. air matapun kemudian mengalir. Tuhan, maafkan hamba yang melupakan-Mu dari kemarin

saya pikir, saya mikir.

2010-08-01T13:11:00.000+07:00

(lagi) saya kecewa. Tapi setidaknya diballik kecewa ini saya bisa belajar. Apa pelajaran yang saya dapati ? ya kawan, Jangan banyak berharap. Namun, bermimpi masih boleh saja.

Kita memang beda. Kamu bisa jalan saat kamu mau. Tapi aku, harus memakai sepatu dulu. Kamu bisa pergi kemana kamu ingin. Tapi aku, aku harus membereskan rumah dahulu. Ya begitulah, kita memang berbeda. Tapi saya yakin diantara perbedaan itu justru adalah celah yang besar buat saya menimba ilmu. Begini, saya punya kebahagiaan. Kamu juga punya kebahagiaan. Yang saya ingin cari tahu adalah, apakah diantara kebahagiaan itu kita miliki kebahagiaan yang sama? Jika memang kebahagiaan kita berdiri tegak sendiri-sendiri, maka kebersamaan kiita mungkin bisa dipertanyakan kembali.

Sayangnya, saya sangat mudah menaruh hati. katakanlah kebahagiaan itu saya taruh di pundakmu. Tentu tanggung jawabmu menjadi lebih besar, bukan ? disisi lain saya tidak ingin memberatkan dirimu. Maaf sayang, jika saya banyak menyusahkan. Saya punya banyak keinginan. Sebagaimana juga kamu. Saya bantu kamu merapihkan dan menyusun semua harapan-harapan. Saya pun ingin kamu membantu saya merapihkan harapan-harapan. Seperti yang pernah kamu ucapkan “ mari kita mampatkan dunia bersama. Selalu bersama dalam suka dan duka , seperti pandawa lima”. Berlebihan-kah ? ah saya rasa tidak. Justru sangat sederhana. Kita bisa saling merapihkan, segala mimpi yang berserakkan. Bagaimana caranya ? bicara.

Sekarang, masihkah kau ingin berbicara denganku ?

Dan mengutarakan semua keinginanmu ?

Tenang, sayang. Tidak perlu takut merasa bersalah. Saya bukan orang penuntut. Saya hanya orang yang tidak bisa diberi janji. Sekali lagi, tenang sayang, aku bisa mengurus diriku sendiri. Sekarang mari berlari. Dan lihat, apakah kita akan bertemu di persimpangan nanti !

letters to you

2010-07-30T10:09:00.002+07:00

halo kamu, kamu yang disana bagaimana kabarnya? bagaimana rasanya duduk di tepi Ranukumbolo? bagaimana? enak-kah? nikmat-kah ? bagaimana rasanya mendaki tanjakan cinta? teringatkah kamu akan diriku ? "tapi sayang banget kalau sudah naik tidak melihat kebawah", begitu katamu saat membicarakan mengenai mitos tanjakan cinta. bagaimanakah rasanya melewati savana ? kau tahu bahwa sekali dalam hidup, aku ingin- ingin sekali- bisa berfoto di padang rumput yang sangat luas. melihat langit dengan bebas. semoga nanti aku bisa sampai disana. bagaimana rasanya berfoto di puncak mahameru dengan pemandangan wedus gembel ? seru - kah ? bahagiakah ? aku membayangkan, dan aku bahagia :)

halo kamu, semalam aku mimpi. mimpi kamu. tapi mimpi kita berkelana di tempat berhantu, kemudian datang ibu-ibu dan dia membuatmu tertidur , sedangkan aku hanya diam ingin membantu. seolah-olah disana aku jadi pahlawan yang harus membangunkanmu. mimpi yang sangat absurd. halo kamu, tau kah ? telepon genggam ku rusak sekarang. dia labil sekali, hingga layar lcd suka kedap kedip sendiri. aduh kamu, banyak cerita yang ingin kudengar, dan juga kusebar. tapi status mu masih : harap menunggu sebentar lagi.

halo lagi, untuk kamu.

aku kangen.

dengar kah ? aku yakin kau dengar, dan hey aku tak sabar ingin menyambutmu! kau tahu? lagu apa yang sedang berputar saat aku menulis postingan ini ? Pills by the persihers. aku ingin tertawa, mengingat kita punya video bersama menyanyikan lagu itu.

halo lagi untuk kamu.

aku menitikkan air mata.

menitikkan air mata karena aku tahu ini hari jumat, dan kau akan tiba ! setidaknya di ponselku.

saat ini status mu masih : harap menunggu sebentar lagi.

i feel magic

2010-07-05T09:18:00.003+07:00

how was the story ?

we met, we gazed into each other's eyes, we fall, then we love.

voila! it's a magic, don't you believe it ?

and now, we bind promise. connecting every dots and making a path. so this is what people called- life. and i'm still amazed with this .

please, don't wake me up until tomorrow , i am dreaming and it feels so real.

quick post

2010-06-28T11:23:00.002+07:00

oh congratulation,
now you have it

"Yudha Andriyanto , S.Sos"

dialog dengan Tuhan II

2010-06-21T21:28:00.001+07:00

Diluar hujan, Rabbi. Dingin. Kaki saya cukup membeku.

Sekarang saya duduk di pojok kamar. Segelas teh hangat cukup untuk menemani saya. saya tidak bisa tidur, tidak seperti biasanya. Libur dan tidak melakukan apa-apa membuat badan saya meronta untuk direbahkan ke atas kasur untuk kesekian kalinya, alhasil beginilah. Saya duduk di pojok kamar, segelas teh hangat pun dengan setia menemani saya.

Pikiran saya berlari. Terburu buru hingga nafas pun menjadi tersengal-sengal. Saya tidak tahu lagi mana kaki mana tangan, mana yang saya harus gunakan untuk berpijak. Semua kekacauan ini membuat saya harus berjungkil balik hanya untuk melihat semua kejadian dari berbagai sisi. Dengan susah payah saya taruh kepala di bawah dan kaki diatas, semoga saja bisa membantu.

Dan kemudian saya pun menyerah. Melambaikan tangan ke udara, memberi tahu Tuhan yang konon tempatnya diatas sana, bahwa saya menyerah. Sekiranya bala bantuan datang. Tapi tidak juga datang, kemudian suasana berubah kembali. Latar belakang panggung saat ini padang pasir, dan kemudian saya kehausan. Inilah tanda saya harus mencari oase kehidupan.

DIALOG DENGAN TUHAN I

2010-06-09T22:33:00.000+07:00

Saya tidak tahu harus merasakan apa. Semua seperti sama saja, bahwa saya akan menemukan kecewa. Sekarang pun pilihan menangis tidak lagi ada guna, sama halnya jika saya memilih untuk marah. Saya rasa saya tidak punya hak untuk itu. Baiklah, saya pernah mengatakan bahwa people can’t control the society. They adapt to it. Saya merasa harus bertanggung jawab pada apa yang telah saya ucapkan. Maka marah bukanlah tindakan yang saya pilih- mengapa- karena saya rasa saya tidak punya hak. Sama halnya saya tidak punya hak untuk memprotes keadaan. Tapi toh saya punya hati. saya masih bisa merasa. Rasa apa? Entahlah, semua sepertinya tidak jelas. Saya merasakan apa yang dikatakan orang mengenai-kecewa. Kecewa, bukan menyesal. Ekspektasi saya pada keadaan mungkin melebihi dari apa yang realitas bisa berikan ke saya. tanpa saya sadar, mungkin memang keadaan hanya memiliki kemampuan sesuai dengan apa yang diberikan. Namun saya, meminta lebih. Memohon lebih tepatnya, karena saya mencoba untuk – sekedar berdoa . pada siapa? Entahlah, saya yakin - apa yang disebut oleh orang-orang dengan- Tuhan bisa mendengar segelintir permohonan orang-orang seperti saya. walaupun hanya tersirat dalam hati, bahkan mungkin hanya sebesit.

Allah, saya begitu percaya dengan-Mu. Bahwa engkau telah memberikan garis yang terbaik kepada manusia. Tapi Allah, sekarang , beritahu saya – atau tepatnya yakinkan saya- bahwa yang saya dapatkan ini adalah yang terbaik, Allah. Setidaknya, yakinkan saya bahwa garis ini sampai kepada orang yang tepat (saya) dan mudah-mudahan Engkau tidak salah alamat. Allah, saya menaruh hidup padamu.

both love

2010-06-08T12:30:00.002+07:00

conversation

2010-05-20T18:41:00.004+07:00

me : betrayer

atta : wohooo, seru!siapa?
me : Tuhan, ta.

atta : emang sifatnya jhe.dualisme.biar dibilang perfect.punya semuanya.

me : dan bisa menyakiti sekaligus membahagiakan manusia. tampaknya Tuhan sedang tidak
konsisten dan mulai mengkhianati semua doa doa gue ta. ah sedihnya.

atta : selama Tuhan belum menandatangani perjanjian apapun ke lo ya lo cuma bisa ngelus
dada lo yg lebar itu jhe.Sama kyk kita yg gak menjanjikan apapun ke dia.Dia tdk
seharusnya menuntut apa2 ke kita.HAHAHAHAHA

me : mudah2an hati gue masih selebar landasan pesawat di soekaro hatta ta, ah ternyata
benar gue ke-geer-an doag, Tuhan ga janji ngasih gue apa-apa.

atta : hahahahahhaaaa. dua pernyataan lo cukup menghibur.

a little

2010-05-13T20:42:00.003+07:00

saya tahu, diluar keadaan sangat berantakan. di jalan raya sebuah motor melaju kencang dan hampir menabrak sebuah mobil yang ingin berbelok, kemudian seorang penyebrang kaget dan memaki maki. saya tahu, teriknya matahari membuat anak yang sedang dalam perjalanan pulang menjadi sangat uring-uringan. saya tahu hingga detik ini ada perempuan-perempuan patah hati ditinggal cinta . dan juga perempuan lain yang masih mengharap cinta. apapun itu, saya tahu. saya mendengar, dan saya melihat. malaikat tahu, Tuhan tahu. tapi saya juga sadar, saya hanyalah sebuah partikel kecil yang hanya mengetahui sesuatu yang kecil. segalanya? siapa bisa menduga?

sometimes, if i could choose, i prefer to become one of the particle in the air.
flying freely. so no one can see me.
so, let me give you a smile deeply from my heart, for everything happened lately. and i do give my high appreciate to life. and to the One who makes this life.

quick post

2010-05-02T12:46:00.001+07:00

2010-05-02T11:29:00.001+07:00

happy19th birthday to me
April, 28th 2010
-

drop some words!

2010-04-25T01:33:00.000+07:00

kontemplasi

2010-04-24T10:58:00.001+07:00

mudah-mudahan....
mudah-mudahan....
mudah-mudahan....

poem of the day

2010-04-24T10:44:00.002+07:00

Maka pada suatu pagi hari ia ingin sekali menangis sambil berjalan tunduk sepanjang lorong itu. Ia ingin pagi itu hujan turun rintik-rintik dan lorong sepi agar ia bisa berjalan sendiri saja sambil menangis dan tak ada orang bertanya kenapa.

Ia tidak ingin menjerit-jerit berteriak-teriak mengamuk memecahkan cermin membakar tempat tidur. Ia hanya ingin menangis lirih saja sambil berjalan sendiri dalam hujan rintik-rintik di lorong sepi pada suatu pagi.

pada suatu pagi hari, Sapardi Djoko Damono.

how if i die ?

2010-04-19T22:58:00.005+07:00

kepala saya berputar-putar. memikirkan sesuatu dari awal hingga akhir dan kembali lagi ke awal berakhir pada akhir. seperti membuka buku dari kata pengantar hingga biografi penulis, namun kembali lagi ke kata pengantar. apa yang saya cari dalam buku itu? setiap kata saya cermati. berharap kata itu menyimpan sedikit misteri. kepala saya masih berputar. memikirkan pecahan mozaik kehidupan. seperti ada bagian yang hilang. namun saya yakin itu tidak hilang, hanya saja saya tidak menyadarinya. kepala saya berputar-putar. karena saya tidak tahu apa yang saya cari, maka kemudian saya mulai memaki. memaki diri sendiri. lalu saya berhenti pada persimpangan jalan, namun saya tidak tahu harus kemana dan memilih jalan yang mana. di mata saya semua tampak sama. saya bahkan tidak mengetahui akhir dari masing-masing jalan itu. akhirnya saya bertaruh.

ah, lagi-lagi ada pertanyaan lain terbesit di kepala saya. bagaimana eksistensi seseorang diakui? saya punya pendapat, bolehkah saya utarakan disini? baiklah. begini, saya merasa hidup saat adik saya meminta bantuan untuk mengerjakan tugas sekolahnya. saya merasa hidup saat kakak saya memberitahu ada musik terbaru yang asik untuk dinikmati. saya merasa hidup saat ibu saya meminta saya mengantarkannya ke pasar. saya merasa hidup ketika masih ada orang yang mempercayai saya untuk menjadi teman bercerita. saya merasa hidup bila disekeliling saya hidup. namun saat ini saya merasa tidak hidup. penggalan mozaik tadi masih melayang. kemudian saya mencari kehidupan. saat saya hidup saya merasa mati. bagaimana jika nanti saya sudah mati ?

quotation of the day

2010-04-19T22:54:00.000+07:00

You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most.
I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

acrobatic siluet

2010-04-18T22:45:00.004+07:00

picture taken by me, edited by me. location: carita beach

banana

2010-04-18T22:38:00.004+07:00

hmm i'm so lazy to write then i choose to put the picture.
trust me, it can describe anything.
the fun, the yellow, the wet, the sea. hehhehe

little sister

2010-04-12T10:02:00.004+07:00

rubbish post - weekend on campus

2010-04-10T15:00:00.003+07:00

hello . it is saturday now, and while most people called it weekend- time for relaxing and setting up mind and soul after days of work- i still should come to campus to do my assignments. the research method class is freak. trust me, baby.
and while my friend-steviana- analyzing the research, i prefer to do my favorite thing! yes yes. blogging makes me feel better, hehe. i am so sorry stevi, i chose to open the mozzila firefox tab rather than read the 5th chapter of the research. and, kevin, yes kevin is sleeping right beside steviana. he is totally bastard (sorry, i called you that way because you want it yourself, hahaha)

people walk by
time goes by
jstor still error since yesterday
steviana keeps update her facebook status
kevin is sleeping
and me?
oh, i love rubbish thing!

untitled

2010-04-06T19:13:00.003+07:00

kadang hidup terasa datar, kadang terasa sangat begejolak. entahlah kali ini hidup saya berada pada kordinat yang mana. hidup saya terlalu rapih (mungkin) untuk sebuah lubang. atau bahkan (mungkin) hidup saya terlalu carut marut untuk sebuah kestabilan. saya pun tidak tahu ini apa. gelombang longitudinal atau garis linear. saya mengalami perubahan emosional yang sangat kentara. sangat fluktuatif. terjun bebas kemudian lepas landas. seperti hidup tom and jerry yang selalu berlari kesana kemari. siapa yang dikejar, siapa yang mengejar. saya pendam, namun tidak mendapat jawaban. saya utarakan namun tidak mendapat balasan. mungkin saya perlu diam. tidak perlu berlari lagi, tidak perlu mencari lagi. entahlah. saya pun tidak habis pikir kapan transformasi emosi ini akan berakhir. menuju bentuknya yang sempurna, bentuk yang paling stabil. akhirnya yang saya lakukan adalah mempekerjakan benda kecil di dalam kepala bernama otak untuk bekerja dua kali lipat. agar setiap jalan yang saya pijak melibatkan si otak, sehingga tidak ada lagi celah untuk hati, untuk emosi. saya meneguk secangkir teh. habis ini, apa lagi yang akan saya rasa?

tiba-tiba angin bertiup. menggelitik dan mendesah. dinginnya membangkitkan gairah. ya, saya butuh rasa hangat.

quotation of the day

2010-04-06T19:02:00.002+07:00